hello friend[s],
it’s the last sunday of the year [its a bit strange, isn’t it].
i’m sitting in my living room with the lights off, my laptop illuminating itself. p is playing music on the speaker. we just spent the afternoon and early evening at our oma’s house for our annual boxing day brunch. i am filled to my brim with food. i am sleepy. it’s 6:47 pm and i could go to sleep.
the year is closing itself but it’s also restarting itself. school is back online for at least a month for me, i feel like i did 18 months ago. i can’t decide if i should go back or stay at home. for the first time, it actually hits me that i’m ageing in a pandemic. it feels strange that a new year will begin in a few short days.
and yet, i feel optimistic about it. i have become a better person over the last year and i will trust myself to become better in 2022. i try not to obsess over who i am because i find it simply leads to crisis after crisis. two things that have been on my mind recently:
““Resignation,” he echoes. “That’s right, I feel I’ve let it all go. Covid-19 is not something I can change through willpower. Now, I have a better idea of how much energy it takes to swim against the tide. And all this time, I’d lived my life trying so hard.” I couldn’t have put it better myself. SUGA looks relaxed and natural, not bored. I ask him what thoughts are occupying him these days. “Actually, I have no thoughts these days,” he says with a laugh. “It’s true. I’m too busy, and I try not to think about identity. If you obsess about it, you end up worrying too much. I think it’s perfectly fine to go with the flow, rather than constantly striving and struggling all the time.” “ - SUGA of BTS
these have occupied space because they both return to the idea of self and how we 1. know who we are 2. what we want to be and 3. who others think we are. i think the thing i strive for is peace. to be wrapped up in beautiful things and to make beautiful things- that’s all anyone could hope to have, isn’t it? we’re made up of every experience and love and emotion we’ve ever felt.
나는 어떤 사람
What kind of person am I
나는 좋은 사람?
Am I a good person?
아님 나쁜 사람?
Or a bad person?
평가는 가지각색
The assessments are all different
그냥 나도 사람
I’m just a person, too […]사람들은 변하지 나도 변했듯이
People change — like I have
세상살이 영원한 건 없어
Living a life in the world, there’s nothing that lasts forever
다 지나가는 해프닝
Everything is just a happening that passes by사람 (People) by agust d, translations by doolset
the biggest thing i have done for myself is to stop regretting my past emotions and self. the change from i was so young and inexperienced to it’s interesting how my reactions have changed. i must’ve had a reason to feel what i felt and that in itself is all i need changed the way i see myself as a person. in the same way that we are a collection of everyone we have ever known, we are a collection of every person we have ever been.
i have stopped loving people for the sake of them feeling loved. it may be an awfully selfish way to describe myself but being honest doesn’t mean being good. when i love for myself, i love for the sake of loving. it doesn’t need to be explained or justified. it doesn’t need to be mysterious. when i meet people or things i want to love, i allow myself to. [[ however i want [[ however they want to receive it. and if i stop loving something, i release without bitterness, the love i gave and received before releasing it past limbo.
i am every person i have ever loved. i don’t want to be every person i have ever loved. i didn’t love for their sake, i loved for my own. to make me filled with love. i will always love for myself even when i don’t love [them].
to note: people impact how i love. they change my perspectives and emotions. love can never be just for one person. i don’t want it to be. love goes both ways, it’s impossible not to. but i am less relient on external love, my own is enough. distance makes the heart grow fonder as much as it makes
the heart grow up, makes the heart less reliant on others, makes the heart love itself.
as the new year comes in, i will love it for myself. i am every year i have ever lived. i don’t want to be every year i have lived. but i will love the years i have lived. and that is all i could ever want. i won’t think too hard. i hope you don’t either.
&&&
thank you for reading my notes this year. it means the world to me. i have loved leaving notes for the last five months. i can’t wait to send and read more newsletters. have a safe and healthy end and beginning to your year.
all my love,
xx delphi