hello friend[s],
have you been well? i really thought the contents of this note would be valentine’s day related but i don’t have much to say right now besides i love youuuuuu.
it’s 6:29 pm and i’m writing this from the prettiest library. i’ve been meaning to come here for over a year but only finally did last week. i’m very timid in here and i haven’t explored much [i still don’t know where the bathroom is]. it’s bright though, and i can read the titles of the book around me [most of them are art-related]. it’s open late, i love it here.
for the last few weeks or months, f and i have been trying to figure out the feeling of feeling a bit outside of the lines. an author i can’t remember the name of planted this idea in our brain and we have spent the last ?? amount of time discussing it. let me see if i can describe it
when you’re floating a few inches above or below or outside of your body. it’s when you can’t tell if it’s your fingertips dissolving or the item you’re holding. it’s an inhale that doesn’t make it all the way to your lungs. maybe it’s being see-though unless you’re under direct lighting. thoughts that have no start or end or middle, maybe a side though. it’s feeling like a puff of smoke that’s slowly leaking from lips pressed together.
it comes out like this
talking non-stop until your voice is scratchy but being unable to stop. being completely unable to hold a conversation. hands holding everything too tightly. tight clothes feeling too loose, loose clothing feeling too tight. drinking coffee, tea, water, alcohol, anything just to feel the liquid down your throat. time moving like it’s in another room. grammatical rules and stricture being throw out in favour of thinking freely. repetition.
while i can’t quite figure out why i feel these things, i can maybe come up with indirect causes. a different friend of mine said they feel like they're an unreliable narrator of their own life. that sure does add a bit of flavour to this strange concoction, doesn’t it?
about five years ago i made a list of everything that makes me happy. i don’t think i’ve updated it since then but i’d like to make a new list with a new name.
things that make me feel like i’m in my lines:
routines i decide i want to follow
sitting in a hard chair in a quiet library
making my coffee the same every time and my tea slightly different every time
writing with my pencil and crossing it out
thinking about doing something and doing it in under 30 minutes
almost anything with a purpose
or at least, a beginning purpose
[i’m easily distracted]
reading something then realizing i need to reread it out loud
goes hand in hand with restarting a song to hear it stronger
having half a thought and someone else finishing it
spending time with someone for longer than you intended but not getting tired
sitting outside and listening
have you ever tried to figure out how many birds are holding the conversation you’re eavesdropping on?
explaining what you’re doing to someone else
a concrete start and end to a vocal paragraph
throwing your body around to music
smoking something so you can be the one to exhale the smoke
going from inside air to outside air
being really very cold
your fingers should be numb
your nose should start to run
walking with your shadow
bonus points if you watch your footprints
do you have anything to add to the list? i would love to hear it. do you know the feeling i am trying to describe?
it’s 10:08 pm and it’s time to wind down my night. time to talk to friends and make my heart full. i hope you have a good week and you have good company to be around. peace out girl scout. i love you.
xx delphi