i study the earth because i find something akin to prayer in it
a note without an end on being disconnected from my environment, the importance of sunlight, and being dread filled.
hello friend[s],
i won’t lie, i’ve felt strange the last two weeks. i’ve hit a new period in my life where i feel very out of touch with myself and my surroundings.
i said to f that i wish i wasn’t so impacted by my environment and that i wonder why am. she made a joke along the lines of you’re literally an environment major i think you know and i realize that oh shit, yeah, i do. i’ve written paper after paper and read journal after study about how one’s environment impacts their mental and physical wellbeing. humans are so closely connected to their environment and often one’s connection to land is a connection to their very being. it’s one of the reasons i open all my notes with the time and where i am physically. it lets future me know where i was.
its 8:41 pm and i’m sitting upright in bed. my laptop is making noise because i’ve been on facetime with f for the last 3+ hours [i’ve lost track]. the sun is long since set and i’ve been listening to the same song for 2 hours. my small bedside lamp is the only source of light and it casts a warm glow over my messy room. i like how it illuminates my water bottle. i haven’t made dinner yet, i’m still thinking about what i want.
i called f because i felt so unbelievably stuck today. i’m on the brink of some big personal realization that will lead to self-growth but i haven’t been able to pinpoint it -anything- yet.
simply put, i’ve lost my connection to the outside world. i am terrified to leave my apartment and venture into an extremely covid-y world. classes are online and i lost the link with classmates that i so desperately relied on. it’s freezing constantly and i can’t exist outside for more than an hour at a time. light blesses me for 9 hours a day but the sun is around for a maximum of 1 hour a day if i’m lucky. i switch from a big screen to a little screen in a neverending loop because school and friends and downtime are all in the same place.
i like mary oliver because she writes odes to the earth. i study the earth because i find something akin to prayer in it. i love going back to my family home because i can walk through every square foot of my house blindfolded without being disorientated. i can name every plant, stone, and object outside. and now i’m filled with panic at the very concept of leaving the safety of my apartment.
i began writing last week’s note on relaxing without purpose. i wasn’t able to finish it. already there was a disconnect from myself and my thoughts. i don’t think i’ve been able to finish anything over the last two weeks and i continue creating fragments. here’s the half-finished note:
it’s 5:17 pm and there’s a person sitting across the row from me. they got on the train wearing a massive fur hat and have been reading for the last hour and a bit. i am very curious what they are reading so sometimes i look over but i can’t quite catch the title.
i got on the train before the sunset and now it’s pitch black and all i can see is my own reflection.
if i’m being honest, i have absolutely no idea what i’m going to write about today. i could’ve sworn i wrote something down, an idea, but i can’t find it anywhere. most [if not all] of the last week has been spent doing nothing but spending time at home. we’ve picked back up watching downtown abbey and old films, v and i have watched countless episodes of run bts and bon voyage, i’ve read hundreds of thousands of words, and i’ve just lounged around. i’ve had almost no thoughts in my brain. i really, really don’t mind. kim seokjin says “The meaning of the word ‘rest’ seems to have changed. I think that resting should be entirely selfish. However, a lot of people try to do something useful in their free time, like something that will help them pad out their résumé. But I believe that uselessness is useful! I believe that you need to have days that other people consider wasteful, to be able to focus more on useful things later.” this is something i’ve been trying to drill into my mind. i think there’s a difference between free time and relaxation/rest time. free time to me is when you can do whatever you want if that’s your laundry or a book or a hike, cool!! but it’s not your slow time. slow time, however, is for solely you.
in that, i said i don’t mind being without strong thoughts. now though, i find myself in desperate need of something. i haven’t figured it out yet. what i have figured out:
i. working through time instead of existing through time. time isn’t slipping the way it normally does. awareness of time is….?
ii. sunny = you can literally see things. when there’s no direct sunlight does the day even begin or end? life as a scale is usually ideal except when it comes to day and night. i want to see the full length of the light and dark gradient. half measures make me forget there’s a day at all. every morning is a game of roulette and sometimes i swear the odds are rigged.
iii. visual reminders of living. see the day passing.
iv. stagnation in my body and thus air and thus environment. stagnation in my environment and thus air and thus my body. energy without conduction nor proper insulation.
v. dread sits heavy. it shows itself through stomach aches and a sore jaw and shoulders up to your ears and eyes that blink a little too long. was i always this shaky? there’s pressure in my head and i wish i was zeus so that i could ask hephaestus to crack open my skull.
vi. panic is a low-level state of ongoing.
my incapability of answering or finishing these questions speaks better than i can. thinking constantly goes exactly against my previous notion of spending time with yourself without looking to improve. the irony of how my mental state progressed is something /else/ i could focus on.
there is no end to this note. there may be an end to these thoughts eventually. i will continue to note my fragments because they always give me starting points. i will continue to photograph, love, and bless the sun i get. i will continue to read about the loveliness of the earth. nature as divinity. simple joys as reasons enough. reloving your environment for the sake of loving. be safe, have love, hold a hand.
xx delphi
p.s.
[…] his rough hand
in mine inflates like a blood pressure cuff and I
squeeze back as if we are about to step together
from the sill of all resentment and timeless
toward the dreamsource of un-needing the two
of us hurtle sharing the cosmic breast
of plenitude when I hear the coins blink against
the surface and I cough up daylight like I’ve just
been dragged ashore. See now
you’ll never walk alone he jokes and is about
to hand me back to the day he found me in
like I was a rubber duck and he says you got to let
go but I feel bottomless and I know he means
well though I don’t believe
and I feel myself shaking
my head no when he means let go his hand.[exerpe from an analysis of the full poem]
“And then he’s comfortable with touch, and he’s comfortable with asking for trust, as well: “close your eyes.” What a vulnerable way to be, in the middle of the city. This is an urban poem. It’s happening in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. I’m not sure, would I close my eyes and hold somebody’s hand, standing in a city, while they toss two pennies into a wishing well to make a wish?” pádraig Ó tuama
this one resonates hard with me. i've been feeling like i'm flowing down a dirty river lately, like i'm cut off from everyone and the grey mornings make it so effin hard to get out of bed. i hear you friend im here for you <3
https://open.spotify.com/track/35lqISXEocFzdX7JnuCAB6?si=9f2f12b7d63e47b2 "Pat, paddy pat, waving hello come and hold hands with me, dancing we go"