i find she shows love by existing near me
a quick little note filled with updates, love, and silly things from my wall.
hello, my friend[s],
i did it. i made it. i’m writing to you from somewhere new. currently, i’m sitting on my new bed\ the left side\. the /right side/ is still empty. R was laying next to me, until a few moments ago. more on that later. my room is big, only half-filled. the floor is covered with various wall decorations that i can’t decide where to place. the wall with the door on it is decorated. millions of little pieces stuck where i can see it. refusing to be out of mind. it’s a cool day but not cold. my window is still open and i can hear cars driving past.
the last six days have been some of the busiest in a long time. filled with cleaning and moving and building. but our apartment? it looks like a home. there are plants on most flat surfaces, a cupboard filled with mismatched mugs, candles placed around, lights hanging, posters and pictures littering the walls, food in the fridge.
our house was warmed last night. i feel warmed now. we saw old and new friends which made my heart so full.
tonight, we’re going to a friend’s house warming, i wonder what kind of wine we’ll bring.
soon school starts again. i need to go find all my classes and properly walk around campus for the first time. the air is a lot colder here than back home, it feels like autumn, like a routine. i have r’s rice heating pad on my feet, i’m playing the anne with an e soundtrack, i can hear kids playing before they have to go back to school, it feels like autumn.
i’m home alone for the second time right now, the first time was only for an hour or so. i had called my oma. this time, i write to you.
i’ve learned a lot about r in the last few days. something close to my favourite thing about her is how she shows love. the way i experience it from her is slow and unspoken. when i first met her, i didn’t think she liked me until two months into knowing her. but then she made matching friendship bracelets.
now, i find she shows love by existing near me. i was sitting on my floor organizing a bin a few hours ago when she walked through my open door and wordlessly laid down in my bed, tucking herself into the grey duvet. silently wanting each other’s company. half an hour later, i was sitting next to her, highlighting part of a poetry book. thus why i’m on the left side. thus why my feet are being warmed by her heating pad that she left for me.
her love showed when i woke up to a text this morning, saying she was going to her favourite cafe so if she’s not there when i wake up, i know where she is. i walked into the kitchen and a donut was sitting there- a gift.
sometimes it shows when her head is resting on my shoulder, and my head resting on hers.
she is a good friend.
\\\\
we still don’t have wifi in our apartment. tomorrow if all goes well, we will. i have almost no data left.
because of this, i haven’t been able to look at as much art as i usually do. i have no paintings to show you, few words to quote, and almost no new songs to play for you. why don’t i share some of mine with you?
i put up a pen drawing i did in late spring 2020 on my wall. i was sitting on my roof looking down into the backyard and i drew what was in front of me. it’s filled with scribbles and it’s almost unrecognizable as a backyard. underneath it, i wrote something about being overwhelmed and scared during the beginning of covid and how i needed to ground myself. i think a lot about how to ground myself. my diary is filled to the brim with ways i can. on the back of the sketch, i wrote upside-down that i wasn’t sure if the clouds were always moving this fast or if i was just moving fast along with them.
next to that sketch on my wall, is a beautiful “quilt” of an art piece. it was made by one of the people i trust most in my life, dear darling e {hello my dear other mum}. she is one of my favourite artists. the meaning of this piece is one i keep in my brain and close to my heart.
i love the meaning in the things i have in my room, even if it’s objectively garbage. but as the ever-wise yoongi said in people,
your ordinary became my special, your special became my ordinary
there we go, there’s your music recommendation for this week! people by agust d. and a few messy words and paintings! i would also like to add the poem white flowers by mary oliver to this week’s list of shared things.
i think what i like most about oliver’s poems is how she asks questions in them. she makes you want to shout out loud your answers to her. do you like asking questions? or are you more content to see how much you can understand without asking?
do you have anything you’d like to bring to our weekly show and tells?
i think it is time for me to sign off, i want to go rewarm the rice heating pad and soon i won’t be home alone anymore. until then, i’ll read and laze around until i must make myself look presentable for tonight.
before i go though, i want to give words of reassurance. you’ve been here with me while i talked about my fears and as i’m sitting here now, i can tell you you will be okay. your worries will be okay. i am okay. i believe in your abilities. if you haven’t rested yet, take some time to. don’t forget about tomorrow’s self.
i love you and good luck.
xx delphi