how blessed the sun is to shine on you
welcoming the new year, trying to locate souls, and looking for the good little things.
hello friend[s]
happy 2022! i hope this year is filled with moments of joy and happiness. i hope you eat well and feel love around you. as joy harjo said, the world begins at a kitchen table. no matter what, we must eat to live. the gifts of earth are brought and prepared, set on the table. so it has been since creation, and it will go on.
it’s been a tough year and it will be a tough next year, that can’t be sugar-coated. instead of praying for the impossible, i will go looking for the good. i hope this year you live without fear. i can’t wait to live through all the wonderful things this year has in store for us.
it’s 3:49 pm and i’m sitting in the dining room drinking chai. the sun is going to be gone in about half an hour. it’s okay though, i like the warm kitchen lights.
i’ve been thinking about where souls go. funnily, i’ve been thinking about where the soul of 2021 is. the body -living in 2021- is gone and we’re left with only the memories of the last 365 days. are those memories part of a calendar’s soul? every year i see new metaphors for being rebirthed in the new year like a phoenix from ash.
i’ve been reading the midnight library by matt haig which follows a woman who kills herself and is transported into a library located in limbo between life and death. this library offers her to be transported into various timelines of herself which she uses to try to find a life that she is satisfied with. i definitely recommend this book, even if it can be a tad cheesy at times. it’s an interesting read to walk into a new year with.
it reminded me of something i wrote a few months ago and forgot about
i. you told dad you wanted to be reborn after you died. i found that out six months after you left. i refused to think about it. refused to think about you considering what was next for you. now though, i think of it. i think about where you could’ve gone.
ii. when i miss you, i talk up to the heavens in case that’s where you are (i want to look into your eyes again, to make sure i remember the colour and shape of them). sometimes i close my eyes and talk into the darkness, in case you’re all around me. sometimes i speak in my mind to my heart, in case that’s where you are. today, i let myself think about how you wanted to reincarnate. i don’t know if you wanted to be another person, or an animal, or a plant. i couldn’t ask dad when he brought it up three years ago.
iii. today while i’m sick and i’m missing you (every aspect of you) and i go through the list of things i wish i still had (you), i wonder if you remember me. to the ancient greeks, if you choose to be reborn you get your memory wiped by bathing in the river lethe. did you?
iv. do you remember me? us? your daughters? your husband? your mom? your sister? or did you pass us up for a new life on earth? it’s a horrible thought, that we’re the only ones mourning.
v. but i don’t want you to mourn what could be or what was, you were the one who was too young. and god, what a glorious thought that you could be on this earth with me again. how blessed the sun is to shine on you again. i treat every person, plant, animal, with love (extra love) just in case it could be you. i hope that i touch you again, if only by accident.
vi. i hope that whatever god is out there will let you remember my touch in that brief moment. to hold your hands again, looking at your smooth hands and nails, the almond shape. i could sculpt them from marzipan. i hope you can remember my touch if only for a moment.
i want to compare it to this
Sit over steaming
bowls of pilaf. Little roasted tomatoes
covered in pepper and nutmeg. Miss you.
Would love to walk to the post office with you.
Bring the ghost dog. We'll walk past the waterfall
and you can tell me about the after.
Wish you. Wish you would come back for a while.
Don't even need to bring your skin sack. I'll know
you. I know you will know me even though. I'm
bigger now. Grayer. I'll show you my garden.
and to this
1.
Understand, I am always trying to figure out
what the soul is,
and where hidden,
and what shape
and so, last week,
when I found on the beach
the ear bone
of a pilot whale that may have died
hundreds of years ago, I thought
maybe I was close
to discovering something
for the ear bone
i don’t mean for this to be a sober entrance into 2022, simply a reminder to live for your soul. feed it, listen to it, be kind to it. that is my theme for this year. live to make your soul happy and be secure in your own self that you can’t understand. as ottessa moshfegh says
I care for people deeply. At night my bed is full of love, because I alone
am in it. I cry easily, from pain and pleasure, and I
don't apologize for that. In the mornings I step
outside and I'm thankful for another day. It took me
many years to arrive at such a life.
i wish you the best in this new era of time. i’m so glad you’re here. i’m so glad we’re here together. i love you. i wish you the best and please, go slow. float around for a bit. things pass, savor and let go. the sun is staying for longer and longer.
all my love,
xx delphi
p.s. i’m participating in the rm 2022 book challenge and club for this year! read along if you like, there are free pdfs of all the books available if you’re looking for a read :)
how blessed the sun is to shine on you
oh.